I’d like to apologise to the people in my life. Lately, I’ve acquired a terrible personality trait, namely that everything is about money with me. It mostly and excusably stems from the fact that we’ve been broke, had debt issues and have been taken advantage of financially for years. And now that I’m a freelancer I keep making calculations to figure out whether we’re in the clear or not, trying to maximise our earnings.
And, while I get where I’m coming from, I don’t at all like where this is taking me. Someone says something they’re doing or did, and I’ll think “Oh, well that’s costly, innit?” I am jealous of other people’s trips and travels, their buys and and expensive consumptions. And these inane comments just tumble out of my mouth that to me sound like I’m asking for reparations. I sound – calculating. (I know it probably only sounds like that to hypercritical, self-doubting me, but still…)
I don’t want my friends and acquaintances to think I am all about the money. I don’t want to feel like I’m all about the money. Our financial situation has just preoccupied me for so long that I have no idea how to turn it all off. I want to indulge so badly, enjoy luxury. But I shall turn over a new leaf again, I promise. I will figure it out and become a human that one can be around again. Now that the feeling of somewhat of a financial security is creeping in, it might be a bit easier to let it all go. I just need to learn to trust that it won’t be taken away again all of a sudden.
But even if it does get taken away again. The best things in life are indeed free. My wonderful relationship. My friendships, both old and tested and newly found. My health (said the hypochondriac!). The part of my career that is not about money but about doing work that other people appreciate, work that I can be proud of. I just need to remember that, and remember that I don’t particularly like myself this way.